action and inaction

I am finding it more and more difficult lately to act. Maybe I'm unconsciously unwilling to deal with casual reality; maybe I'd rather live in my little home-cave and shut out the world for the winter months; maybe I just need some companionship. Who really knows. I fell tired, lethargic and looking for distraction, yet unwilling to act, besides turning on the tv, or surfing the net pointlessly. I stopped knowing and started doubting, not normally a big issue, but there doesnt seems to be an end in sight. I usually start questionning myself, and from that reflexion new confidence emerges. Unfortunately, there doesnt seem to be a reflexion at all. Quite frankly, I just cant seem to be bothered.

I dont blame it on winter; I blame it on a lack of challenge. I pinpoint this as the greatest cause of scholarship underachievement. Gods know it wasnt parental encouragement that got me where I am today, quite the contrary. While they imprinted certain principles into me, most of the educational work was done on my own, almost despite their will.

Not only am I lacking challenges, but even with the challenges I already have ( and do I have some!), I just cant seems to devote energy to them. And to tell you the truth, I'm fucking fed up with it. So I'm writing, now tonight, and every fucking night. I'll write wether I like it or not.

Damnit, I'm going to get me a pizza and some beer.

I'm a writer damnit, and the cook can take a break for a while.