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Monday, March 20, 2006

Movie review: the Doctor, or two hours of my time I'll never get back

Okay, first, there's a bit of a lie in that opening statement and I'll address it at the end. But first, the movie.

The movie is about... Well, quite frankly, I have not the faintest clue what the movie is about, supposed to be about , or whether it has a point. At all.

I could tell you what directors the guy (Thomas Nola) watched to get his ideas. Fellini, Lynch, Anger, Gilliam, basically every single weird filmmaker out there. The problem is that Mr Nola is no director. He directed a story based on his novel of the same name. I don't know how good of a writer he is, but this offering definitely lands him as a prime example as to why authors shouldn't direct their own movies.

Terrible pacing, no real editing, complete lack of direction, quite frankly, I doubt he was even working from a script. I cant really blame the actors, since they couldn't act to put together a school play. Possibly I'm being harsh on them, since the movie does absolutely nothing to allow them to possibly shine in any way. Any way whatsoever.

And there's not even the remotest hint of a possible story here. Elements are just thrown together pele-mele, with no regard to usefulness or consequence. While there are some few, very few elements here and there that just tickle at interest, they were all mostly stolen from other directors, other scripts, other films. And don't give me no bull about low-budget. The least I can expect from low-budget filmmaking is campy entertainment, which at any rate requires a script, which is sadly lacking here. Its a problem when the high point of the movie is an immobile naked girl apparently getting raped... mostly because she's cute. Otherwise, completely pointless.

The music... the noise (notice small "n"? There's a reason for that...) that is supposed to be the soundtrack. Awful, tho some possible elements could be interesting. But there's not even some remote production value in these. The sound (especially the dialogues) was awful throughout this snorefest. Oh yes, I fell asleep halfway through and I don't feel like I missed anything that would have been meaningful to the movie. I struggled throughout to maintain interest, but mostly, I struggled for consciousness, a battle I lost. I finished the movie, mostly to give it that modicum of attention, but I honestly feel cheated. The best production value lies in its box, so that should be a clue.

Honestly, I bought (yes, I actually purchased this movie...) the movie because Douglas P. was doing the narration. Mr. Death In June's involvement in the movie might be caused by several reasons: pleasing a friend (crony?), maybe he liked the story, he had an afternoon to kill and he didn't want to look bad before Boyd rice and also claim that he's been in a movie, blackmail. I just hope that he hasn't seen the movie and he'll be appalled by it. I hope he's been blackmailed into it. I just really hope that he didn't think the movie was any good. Cause that would validate what I already suspect about the man, that he's losing his creative talent in some pointless bid at appearing supportive of the people who cheered him on when he killed the World Serpent. Good for you Doug, but for gods' sake, move on!

Robert Rodriguez made movies on no money. They were good. Because he actually likes to make movies. And he's actually good at it. Mr Nola should take a hint and learn. Better yet, stop moviemaking and stick to writing. You're probably better at it.

And that lie? The movie didn't actually last two hours. But it certainly felt like an eternity.

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