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this is the archives of my old blog. Follow me at http://martinrouge.blogspot.com/ whenever I post!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

To infinity and beyond!

taking charge of one's destiny is a tricky thing. For one thing, its not something over which you can have absolute control. Part of the process is to figure out when to act and when to let things happen. The trick is to discover how to set things in motion so that events and circumstances fall into your favor. Its not easy, let me tell you.

I am by nature, somewhat of a reactionary; circumstances happen and then I make a choice which I hope to be enlightened. I can safely say that I'm not one to take unnecessary chances; I'm definitely not much of a gambler. I like to think that I think things through and pick the smartest solution, but recent events have made me rethink everything.

I have been battling depression for a few years now (just because I didn't know doesn't mean I wasn't depressed) and that does something to you. For one thing my self-confidence has been shot all the way to hell. I have very little energy, am less than encouraged and can find more reasons not to do things than to go ahead and wash the goddamn dishes.

On the other hand, I'm fed up with this shit. I can see what's wrong, I don't like where things are going and I feel a necessary desire to turn things around. A few weeks ago I stopped taking my medication and went through a nasty bout of insomnia; the result is that I now have a regular sleeping pattern. I never thought it'd be so, but its a good thing. I sleep full nights now. I quit a job that was fucking me over and will be moving on... eventually. Right now, I'm at the spot that I hate, the waiting time. The place where I've been honest and I have to wait after bureaucrats to decide if I'm worthy of their help. If they say no, we are in trouble. If they agree, then we're on the path to recovery. Doctors agree that I'm depressed, but they're not the ones making the decision, so...

I've taken the first step down a long road. Let's see how far I make it before I start hitting people in my way :D


  1. take care of your self!
    i wish you well ~

  2. the fact that you've taken the initial steps should help with your confidence level... depression is a slow killer, i know.